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Okay so it's not quite as late as the last time I posted, but... whatever. 2:35. That's still pretty late.

I accidentally slept through my GSD class today. I didn't mean to. Oh well. Things are going alright, but I'm looking forward to break. I've just been hanging out around Michael. I feel like his roommate... I just hang out in his room all the time... I hope he doesn't mind. He says that he doesn't. I like to do homework and AIM him from three feet away while I'm in there.

We rearranged his room today -- actually, he lofted his bed and I walked in after that and helped with the rest. I feel for him. I've learned some things since last time. He has had a hard life... harder than I can sometimes consider.
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I know it's late..

Yeah, 3:04 am.

But Livejournal, so much has happened since I last wrote to you.

I graduated. I'm going to RIT right now. Tuesday of week 9, absolute first quarter.

I've been dating Gary for almost 10 months, and things are just starting to get confusing to me.

Please, Livejournal, let me tell you everything so that you can tell me later and so that my emotions don't cloud my senses...

Let me start from the beginning. Gary and I have been successfully dating for how long now? Yes, almost 10 months.... anniversary on the 8th. Sorry, I forget these things sometimes. I thought I would breeze right on through college and get married to my high school sweetheart. Things aren't that simple and I don't know what to think. The phone calls have been getting shorter and shorter. I have things that I want to do in the evenings when he calls -- can/bottle runs, clubs, homework... He's been making more friends (Anna) and that makes me depressed. Are we synchronized anymore? Are we like the two parts of one whole that we were before? I remember that time. I miss it dearly. Are we the same? I don't feel the same. I am continually evolving. I am becoming something else entirely, aren't I? Am I the same person? I can't be. I code. I have a few people that I hope I can call friends someday. I have a car and money and maybe someday a job. (We'll see).

I'm just worried, I suppose. All Gary seems to talk about is Anna. I don't know how I feel about that. I feel possessive; Gary is supposed to be mine! I feel sad: why has Gary chosen to make new friends? Why are we becoming different? He wants to do things that don't fit into my schema. He wants to be the fun-loving business major with lots of friends who goes out drinking or whatever. No, that is not me.
I am becoming a new person and it scares me.

A coder. Efficient, reliable, friendly.

That brings me to my next subject. Michael.

This guy is so depressed. I can't even begin to describe him to you (not accurately) but for the purposes of documentation, I will try. He is a Computer Science major with medium-brown wavy hair (that does what it wants) and glasses framed by thin wire. He has sad panda brown eyes and a strong chin that he hasn't grown into. There are sideburns just too long to shave off. His teeth are a little crooked -- he never had braces. He wears old, old black jeans and black or grey tee shirts with the chains and the spiked wristband that he bought when we went to Spencer's.

Michael has been through lot. He worked at Wal-Mart in the past, unloading trucks. His depression caused him to lose about 65 pounds (can you imagine?) and he likes Orange Crush and Nutty Buddies. Not the healthiest diet, but who cares? He's Michael. Never seen Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. Played Runescape for hours equivalent to 300 days in real life. Has trouble talking to people. Goes to a counselor.

He takes anti-depressant medicine that makes him feel strange. It levels out his depression though, and he's just glad that hes not crying and shaking on the floor. His parents hate each other. He bought most everything that he has by himself. He has a personal loan and codes with a vengeance.

Michael doesn't have  roommate anymore -- his old one was into drugs and Michael has panic attacks around people who are high. He's trying to get away from things like that; his old friends were drug dealers and something obviously happened to make him scared or afraid of drugs and/or people on drugs. Every morning, Michael wakes up and stares at the empty bed on the other side of the room and feels utterly alone. He clutches his pillow to his chest like a lifeline and sometimes you'll catch him absent-mindedly stroking it, just slightly and gently with his fingers, like it's his closest friend that he never had and he knows even better than me how damned SAD that makes me!! I'm crying big fat tears right now because goddammit, he knew before I did just how sad that makes me when he looks so lost and alone, stroking his pillow so gently, tenderly.

The spiritual reader was right. He's not as tough as he'd like to be. He's got a lot of love in his heart. The problem is that his heart is broken and bruised and he doesn't know how to use it anymore. Last night, I was thinking of how to help him better before I went to sleep, and in my dream I dreamed that I woke up and was hugging him. Trying to show him that it's alright. Not everything is grey and decayed or blackened beyond recognition of the beauty lying beneath. There are great things in this world and I'll be his friend. I want him to be happy more than anything. I don't know why this affects me so. It just does. Maybe it's that damned sadness I see in his tired eyes. So sad, and he thinks that he is alone.
Joe and I are trying to help. I think it is very effective. We hang out with him a lot and take care of him when he falls asleep. I tucked him in tonight. Michael is so depressed and I want to help him so badly. Please, Michael, let me help you. I am here for you and when you need a friend, I'll be your friend and give you hugs or a shoulder to cry on, or whatever you need. Please let me help you.

Pleasant dreams...

HP Fanfics

 Okay, sooo.

Harry/Voldemort slash is officially the hottest crack known to all mankind. 


Thank you very much. 


Oh also I really like this guy (in real life) and he likes me too and we kinda maybe go on dates but things are confused right now, don't know if I should legit date-date him or not. As always, I fail at relationshipping.

you live, you learn, you do what you can.

Just watched the Mortal Kombat movie....

Ugh I don't even want to write. Why am I writing? 

For the record, because this journal is only for the record:

Spring break is this week. Sixth Sense got accepted into Disney. Gram is a faggot (not really, but really). Star Trek is awesome. My Rukia costume is almost finished. Sixth Sense practice tomorrow will be a welcome reprieve from sitting around at home where I am either playing games and creating things or getting scolded by my stupid grandmother. She pisses me off sometimes. Can you tell?

I'm going to make a list, and you are going to sit there and read it and like it.

Super Duper List of Things I like: 
-Mortal Kombat
-Star Trek
-Slash Fanfiction
-Pretty Art
-Geeky things, like squids and video games
-Video Games
-Normal People

Ultra Unhappy List of Things I Immensely Dislike:
-Nagging women
-Illogical things
-Stupid, Illogical, Democratic Women Who Nag at Me About Cleaning.

On the other hand....
Oh wait. There is no other hand.

Do you think destiny has credibility? Is each new possibility its own universe? Are they linked? Is there a main universe? Do we all have our consciousness in a different reality of this main universe? Can the flow of events in your reality be consciously altered from what they are set to be? Or is this existence an ever-changing thing, multi-faceted and complex? Will we ever know? If you can answer any of these questions, I would be glad to hear what you have to say.

Christmas Eve

So it's Christmas Eve....

Like all of the Christmas Eves I have lived through, this one is mind-gratingly tense and stupid.

Need I say that I have not been able to get into the Christmas spirit? 

Today I bought Stazinish and I a premium membership for 12 months on deviantart. They had a buy-one-get-one deal. Bleh. He's a jerk.

Been makin' little squids all day long, in between Hades/Persephone fanfics. I know, I'm weird, right? But it's my crack. Without it, I'm wack.

I've been contemplating lots of things, among them being companionship, fate, and materialism.

I'll admit it - I am a bit sorry at not talking to Mike more. Although I don't entirely regret parting ways with him romantically more than a year ago, I do regret not being able to talk to him as much and as easily as I would like to. He's a good guy, even smart! Which I have come to appreciate through my failed relationships since.

But right now I'm not really feeling much of a need to be in a relationship. I like this feeling of quiet acceptance with life. It's a serene calm apathy that makes me numb to most everything. Even with my latest failure of a boy, I was only thinking about me, myself and I, which I don't regret because I didn't even like him.

you can't escape it. you gotta take what you get.

I just can't get into the Christmas spirit. Maybe because I absolutely hate spending money, unless it's on me. :3

Anyway. I'm getting tired. Why don't we end this?

Post-Thanksgiving Thoughts

Well Thanksgiving is, thankfully (no pun intended), over.Now everything's like FUCKCHRISTMASBEHERE, and it's kind of depressing. I mean, we have a solid month of this shit before Christmas comes. I don't dislike Christmas, but I hate all the shitty hype that comes with it. Like OMGBUYTHISYOURKIDWILLLOVEIT.


Didn't do much of anything today, except clean my room a bit. Counted all my money, which left me very pleasantly surprised. I'm 70% of the way to my goal of having a decent buffer fund for any accidents that may happen. After that, I'm saving up for a MacBook! Woot! ^u^

Sooo yeah. I only need $300 more.... lol. Until I start saving for something that costs like $1500. Yay. That's kind of depressing. But then again, having a job can only help, right? And I think I'll buy most of my Christmas presents the day after Christmas to get the good sales. I'm cheap :)

Just looking on Amazon for my preferred Wacom tablet. I think I'll get the small bamboo one, and ZOMG! It comes prepackaged with Adobe Photoshop ELEMENTS 7.0!!

I loooveee photoshop elements. I had a trial version of Elements 6 before and it was soooo zomg awesome:)

So I'm gonna ask for that for Christmas. Actually, I already have. That's the only thing I really want for Christmas. I'm gonna leave the rest up to fate, but I'm really hoping I get video games or money. Money. Money. Money. c:

Kristina mentioned troubles with Clayton. I really hope she thinks things through before giving him the kabosh. She needs to learn that being single isn't as bad as it looks. Hehehe... I, of all people, should have been desensitized to being single by now. Seeing as my total time not being single in my entire life has been like..... 3 months. Not even. Lol. I'm awesome.

My grandma asked me yesterday how long Tina had been going out with Clayton, and when I told her "a year", she asked me when I was going to find a special somebody.

My answer: when it's a special somebody. ;3

Wednesday? What the hell.

Working at the VFW today kinda sucked balls. I mean, I had to dismantle like 999 turkeys, which grossed me out more than anything else. I kept thinking about how that was a dead, once-living thing's body. Now I keep seeing my own flesh and imagining it charred and stripped from the bones, someone else pulling at it and throwing it in a pot for soup.

Disturbing. That's why I'm never going back to being an omnivore again.

I smell like dead turkeys and it's sooo gross....

I wanted to go shopping tonight, before everything went all batshit and ZOMGCHRISTMAS, but Grammy says no, and Gramps will be hunting or what-have-you. Fuck!

I just want to finish damn christmas shopping. But then again I was thinking of doing all my shopping AFTER Christmas, sooo. Maybe it's not a big deal. :p

Sooo I'm stuck at home. Doing nothing. Being bored, and my social meter is turning from green to a sickly yellow. Yes, I am a Sim.

Might make plans for Friday. I don't know yet. I just want to get tomorrow over with because I want my fucking money and I don't want to be around dead animals anymore. :( It makes me sad. If I have a steady job by next year I will NOT be doing it again.

So, blah. May be in a fanfic-reading marathon today. Lol. I really want to hang out with my friends.... but yeah. That probably won't happen.

MONEYMONEYMONEY is the answer to ALL my problems!!

I want to live in San Francisco! I hate WNY. :(

On the other hand.... wait, there is no other hand. Fuck!

Luv you,

AAU? And other pre-Thanksgiving thoughts

Okay, so I've been thinkin about the Academy of Art University lately, and decided that's really where I wanna go. Soooo I've been doodling a whole lot, and dabbling in different mediums, yeah. Portrait skills have been rekindled, and oil paints have been meddled with. Huzzah, I'm gonna be a freaking artist, yay. Whatever.

I may or may not have come up with a new OC. I named her Lith, but I don't know if she'll stick around or not. Meh.

I saw Tyler in school yesterday again. I guess he has Turkeyday break off alll weeek looonnnggg. Also saw Wendy, which was cool, even though I never talked to her much. Lol.

I got another planner for next year, but it's not as awesome as this year's. I have no fucking clue where to find the same kind again, and that makes me very sad, as I am extremely attached. :/

My new phone is awesome.

Ordered my yearbook today. Going to order my letter jacket as soon as I can. My working papers are complete, so I need to do that, too, and get a job AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I like money too much to NOT have a job.

Apparently Gary has been to a WoW convention, and cosplayed. This amuses me to no end... I ROFL'd at him for like 10 straight minutes when he told me that...

Actually I'm kind of envious, but at the same time.... what a dork. Lol.

I was also thinking of cutting my hair. It would still be unbearably curly, of course, but probably infinitely more manageable. Nothing too drastic - shoulder length, maybe? I would also keep a single plait of hair at my current length, kind of like a Jedi padawan braid.... Lol, I'm a dork. I can't think of how else to describe it.

I really like Lady Asche's hair from FFXII. I was thinking maybe something like that. . .


What color to dye my hair when I move out.... oh, the possibilites..... I'm totally gonna go wild.


Just a few drabble-y notes here...

I was thinking: kisses aren't the magical fairy-tale rainbow shit you read in romance novels. At least, they've never been that way for me. It's like, oh, you're excited until you put your lips together, and then you realize it's too slobbery, or just... not magical. Bleh.

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Me, Myself, and My Lonesome

Hello, Livejournal.
I would ask how you're feeling except for y'know.... you're a website.
Junior year. Everything is either flat and mellow or sharp and painful, you know? Some things stick out in my memory, and others simply fade into the ocean of time. But even oceans don't go on forever.... they only seem to.
Just putting 'round the house today. Went to Olean this morning to purchase some canvas and paints.
I'm in the process of cleaning my room.
I just got my green belt with a black stripe yesterday.
I'm working at the VFW tomorrow.
I don't know....
Somehow I look forward to moving to San Francisco and letting everything about my high school career fade into darkness....
Yes, I really want to go to Academy of Art University. I think it's what I want to do more than anything. So... I want to leave this life behind and migrate to a more colorful and exciting life on the other side of the country.
I'm not running away, I'm evolving.
The reason I write on Livejournal is so I don't forget what I've done in the past.... my memory is so terrible! Sometimes I can't even remember what I did the day before. I need a permanent, stable record, something I can count on.
97 average the first quarter... I hope to God that I can get into art school. I really do.



awesome eye macro

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